"..because I'm not ready to say goodbye..."

I think one of the worst pains one can experience is missing someone that they never really knew.

<3
Colin Timothy O'Brien, 1988-1896.

Honestly, this post is pointless. I should be sleeping..

My hands are shaking. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm tired as hell.

And I can't fall asleep. I won't let myself.

Why, you ask? I have no fucking idea... And it sucks.

Just too much to think about to sleep, I guess.

Yet I can't concentrate on one thing long enough to allow myself to stop worrying about it.

Quite the conundrum, huh?

I would really like to start writing poetry again.

Maybe that's what my next post will be... Probably not though.

Cause I'm a lazy SOB. Ha...

I guess I should probably start at least trying to count sheep.

Maybe I'll get a few hours of sleep before my alarm goes off...

I just hope I don't throw up.

"Just promise you won't forget me. And I'll leave you with this lullaby."

-Lullaby, Chase Coy

My main focus is to remain focused.

With this new year, focus is a priority. I'll be on to bigger and better things in only a few short months. Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new year. A new me. A me that is more comfortable. More confident. And I'm ready for it :)

I've never really been big on "New Year's Resolutions", but I figured this year I could make an exception. I actually have a few that I hope to keep to.

1. Be healthier.

    This sounds like a stupid cliche of what everyone wants for the new year, but mine has nothing to do with weight. It's more about just wanting to live a healthier life. This means less pop, more water. Less burgers, more wraps. Less t.v., more exercise. ...okay, the more exercise might be pushing it, but the other things I figure I'm not really giving up that much.

2. Continually strive for excellence.

    Not to the point of madness or obsession, but just always giving what I do my all. I know that this is something that I should be doing regardless, but sometimes I think "No one really notices when I give it my all, so what's the point?", but that's not true. I notice. I shouldn't have to try and impress anyone else. I should be proud of any work that I produce, whether others take notice of it or not.

3. Be more organized.

    Organization is something that I have always struggled with and really hope to overcome this year. Especially with going off to school, organization will be key. No more mom and dad reminding me to do something or where I put a certain paper. I'll be out on my own and I need to be ready for that. But I think I can be. I'm a lot more comfortable with going away than I thought I would be. I can do this.

4. Believe in yourself.

    This, as always, is important. I need to think more "I can do whatever I set my mind to" and less "Lets stick with something that I know I can do". I can do more than I think I can, and I need to start realizing that. I need to stop sticking with what's safe and take more risks. I am stronger than I believe and braver than I know.

5. Believe in others.

    I need to not be so afraid to trust others. I need to ask for help when I need it. Not all people are trying to hurt me, some actually want to help. It doesn't make you weak to ask for help. I tend to bite off more than I can chew, and instead of spitting it out, I choke it down. ....that wasn't as good of a metaphor as I thought it would be, but it works. I just play it cool, driving myself crazy when all I need to do is as for help.

6. Become stronger in my faith.

    If you've read my previous blogs, I'm pretty sure I mentioned that I'm Catholic. I rarely go to church anymore because my dad works late on Saturdays. It makes it hard to get him up on Sundays (his first day off) in time for church. I believe in God, and I pray, but I've noticed I usually only pray when I "need" something or am in fear of something. I want to pray to thank Him. I want to thank Him for this amazing life that He has given me. I want to pray for those who do not have it as well off as I do. I know I can do this is at home, and I do. But I feel like somehow I have a more direct line while kneeling in a pew. Sometimes I forget to thank Him for the little things, and I want that weekly reminder that this is all thanks to Him. That He will always take care of me, even if I think otherwise sometimes.

The big secret in life is that there is no big secret. 

Whatever your goal, you can get there if you're willing to work. 

-Oprah Winfrey

<3

You make me smile with my heart

Six word memoirs are my latest craze. It so fun to try and think of a way to say so much in so few words. Here are a few that I've come up with recently:

I was taught love was limitless.

Can a vegetarian eat animal crackers?

Commit to something - write in pen.

Normally, I've stopped reading by now.

They aren't very good, I know. But the last two are my favorite :)

So in my English/Comp Class that I'm taking through the local college, we had to write essays on what we were thankful for. I, quite honestly, hated the thought of writing this paper. What I'm thankful for? Really? Even at a college level, THIS is the best they can come up with? So, because I want credit for this class, I wrote the stupid essay. But I tried not to write about the normal things such as family and friends and food and whatever else. Not that I don't appreciate those things. I am extremely happy that I live in a free world where I have food to eat every day and a warm bed to sleep in at night. Don't get me wrong here. But, I figured my professor would get sick of reading pretty much the same essay over and over. Thus, I decided to mix it up a little bit :)

1) The movie Up.
      In case you have yet to see this movie, I will tell you that it is about a crotchety old mad and a very high spirited little boy. They end up together in South America and must find there way back home while fighting off a scorned explorer and trying to help a new friend, Kevin, find her way back to her babies. Yes, I know. Kevin is a girl. Anyway, this is the story about these two people and, honestly, I could watch this movie on repeat forever. It is quite possibly one of my all-time favorite movies and will always hold a special place in my heart. It never fails to make me smile and I believe that smiling is something that everyone should be thankful for.

2) Fruit Snacks
      Fruit snacks are the ultimate in snacking. They come in all kinds of shapes and flavors, from orange dinosaurs to grape Curious George's. Fruit snacks can do it all. I have never once heard a child say that they would not like a pack of fruit snacks in their lunchbox. If you don't like fruit snacks, you can leave my blog now and never return. Fruit snacks are the shit.

3) Heated seats in cars
      Although my mother hates them (she says they make her feel like she peed her pants), these handy little perks have been keeping keesters comfy cozy for those lucky few who remembered to shout 'SHOTGUN' seconds after stepping outside.. Lucky bastards. I personally do not have heated seats in my car, but golly do I wish that I did. You'd better believe that when I go new car shopping, this is a make or break item.


4) Saying "God Bless You" when someone sneezes
      This is a common courtesy that, I believe, is very much taken advantage of. If you sneeze, I say 'Bless You'. I honestly cannot help it. And if you don't thank me, I will take my blessing back. Your heart stops beating when you sneeze. That's why people need to bless you - so that sneezing doesn't kill you. Especially if you sneeze multiple times in a row. Ya know, I was actually named Mary Margaret in case I wanted to be a nun one day? So my blessings must have some kind of superiority over others... Okay, probably not. But it's a nice thought for me :)

5) Deep Fried Pickles

      Need I say more?

Well, I guess its time to start working on homework... Or not... Probably not.

<3

Title Shmitle...

I hate having to come up with a title every post... It's not as easy as you might think.

Well, it's been quite a while since I posted last, and I figured I'm not doing anything right now, so why not type on this keyboard something that I don't think anyone will read anyway. Haha. Wow, that sounded so negative... Oh well. I'm the kind of person that likes to rip the band-aid off fast.

So, lets start with the not so great parts of life right now...
1. Most of my friends stopped speaking to me when I decided I wasn't going to play basketball this year.
2. I didn't get on court for the pageant I was in for my town.
3. I have to give a speech in front of half of my graduating class sometime this week.
4. I have to write at least three essays still for my college writing class before next week.
5. I am not going to Florida this Christmas


.....that's honestly all I can think of. And it took me awhile. Haha.


Now on to the lighter side of life :) 
1. I am still with my boyfriend of 10 and a half months :)
2. I got accepted to the college that I fell in love with this fall.
3. My boyfriend got accepted there as well :)
4. My grades are amazing!
5. I entered a pageant for my town and was picked to be in the top 5 out of 12 girls :)
6. Through said pageant, I met 11 amazing girls that I'm so happy to now know. 
7. I am more confident than I can ever remember being in my entire life.
8. My boyfriend's grandfather is out of the hospital and able to stay at home now :)
9. I'm generally happy with the way things are going for me right now.

Given the things that I consider negative parts of my life right now, it's honestly not that bad. Sure, my friends don't really seem like friends anymore, but I figure if something as silly as high school can break us up, there's no way we could have stayed in touch through college.

There is one important thing that being in this pageant showed me, and that is that I have quite a bit of confidence, even if I don't always believe it myself. Going into this pageant, I knew absolutely nobody and would have to be judged in front of a large group of people. And ya know what? I had a blast. I can't even imagine not doing this pageant, not having met the girls that I did, not having the wonderful time that I had. This pageant showed me that I am strong enough. Thanks to this pageant, I no longer have fears of going off to college not knowing anyone. I know that I have the confidence and the abilities to go to college and be the person that I am.

I know I need to find a way to end this post, but I honestly cannot think of one, soo...
Schmoogle-dy boop.

Signed, Trust Me On This One

Dear thirteen year old self,
This year is going to be a big one, so here's some advice to help get you through it.

1.  Spend as much time as you can with family. It's amazing to see how fast they can be taken from you.
2.  Don't worry about drama at school. It all blows over eventually.
3.  Life's too short. Order the fries.
4.  Being 'popular' is overrated. Instead, try to be the person that's nice to everyone.
5.  Never give up on something that you're passionate about.
6.  Don't ever think that just because you aren't someone's first choice, that you aren't a great choice.
7.  It's not cool to sneak out. Nothing's open at 3am and its not like you can really brag about it anyway.
8.  Don't be afraid of change. It will make you a stronger person.
9.  Don't be afraid to express yourself. This world would be a much more boring place if we were all the same.
10. You may not be perfect, but you don't need to be. Flaws make you beautiful.
11. Don't ever lower your standards to make someone meet your expectations.
12. Kisses are like tears. The only real  ones are the one's you can't hold back. Don't waste them.
13. Accept challenges. If you win, you feel the exhileration of victory. If you lose, you've learned something.
14. Don't get good at pretending to be something you're not. Get good at being you.
15. If a boy truly loves you, he won't have to unbutton your shirt to have a better view of your heart.
16. Stand up for what you believe in or you'll fall for anything.
17. Be up to trying new things. You'll be surprised how much you can end up liking something new.
18. Don't be afraid to say you're sorry. Apologizing doesn't always mean you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.
19. Appreciate things. The more time you spend complaining about your life, the less time you have to live it.
20. Don't assume the people you love know it. Tell them often.
21. Don't hesitate to help someone in need and never laugh at someone's misfortune. Karma  is something you always want on your side.
22. In your life you'll do greater things than dating a boy on the football team. The majority of them are douchebags anyway..
23. Always look before you fall.
24. Sometimes the funnest thing you'll end up doing is something completely unexpected. Don't fear the unknown.
25. Staying up late doesn't make you cool, it makes you tired. Get some sleep.
26. Remember to thank God for everything He has blessed you with.
27. Never let the fear of failure keep you from trying.
28. Don't feel like you always have to follow the crowd. There isn't anything wrong with having a backbone.
29. Learn to laugh at yourself before others have the chance to.
30. Everything happens for a reason and works out for the best.

Mantra

August is admit you're happy month.
August is admit you're happy month.
August is admit you're happy month.
Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile.
Laugh. Nod. Smile.
Cause big girls don't cry...